Another day of waking up to go and show the world I’m breaking up with every shred of self-belief I had before it went from fine to really bad
Now I have to use my morning shower to bring my pulse rate down and figure out how I’m going to make it through the day without embracing the urge to run away
But even if I make it through that time it doesn’t change a thing because I’m still sweating through my shirt thinking of tomorrow
And now it’s happening again, my chest is caving in, remembering how to breathe is getting tough. I’m panicked and I’m stressed whilst I’m trying to suppress the realisation and acceptance that I’m just not good enough.
Even when I’ve sorted myself out and I’m no longer getting in and shouting at the dickhead in the mirror who can’t get his frantic thoughts together, I’m still not getting where I need to be which amplifies the new anxieties that now shift their focus from broken souls to the redundancy of working hard to make them whole.
It’s sad that now I’m too far on to give myself a break by doing the world a favour by not stepping out my door
On the bus ride back I read a book to take my mind off the knots that have tightened up inside my stomach, in my heart and in my brain. But those books keep reminding me of my seemingly consistent inadequacies with bullet points telling me what I’m doing wrong.
Maybe if I close my eyes and cross my fingers really tight, I won’t be so shit at things I once believed were my real strengths and my best traits. But now it’s a bit too late to persevere with dreams which now seem so naïve.
Fuck off, I don’t care. I am perfectly aware that your criticism comes with good intent. But right now, I’m not in a state to reflect and contemplate on the actions I so fervently resent.
And now it’s happening again, my chest is caving in, remembering how to breathe is getting tough. I’m panicked and I’m stressed but I think you could have guessed that I find it hard to think straight because I think that I could, and I know that I should, and I wish that I would accept I’m just not good enough.
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